I don't even know how to say it.

Yesterday I went to the shelter to take photos as I have been doing for the past 5-6 weekends. I was making my rounds and checking on where my list of animals were all located so I could finalize my order of photos.

Back up...there was this sweet little pittie that I had photographed 2 weekends ago. Matt had dropped me off at the shelter and picked me up afterwards so he got to meet her too.

Olive.

Later that week a shelter staff replied to the email of the photos I sent of Olive (for her online profile) and because of how well Olive got along with Matt and me she asked if we had ever considered fostering her. After briefly thinking about it, while my dogs were wrestling in the background and knocking into my chair...I said no, not at this time.

Well that put the thought in my head...

Matt and I had been talking about her since meeting her and I had been toying with the idea of fostering her. We have never fostered a dog but thought we could try with her. She seemed sweet, loved us both, couldn't get enough belly rubs, played with toys, and gave up the toys to us easily. A pretty good foundation.

We decided that I would spend a little more time with her. Take her for a walk, sit with her alone, see how she is. But I felt I already knew. I knew she would be good in our home and our boys would show her how to be a "good dog". I even started asking them if they wanted a "little sister".

So fast-forward to yesterday, I was walking around and couldn't find Olive. I checked the room charts and couldn't find her. I thought "yeah! She was adopted!" I brought it up to the shelter staff on duty and she instantly said "oh God" and got tears in her eyes.

That's all it took. That one look and my stomach convulsed and I almost threw up.

Olive was gone.

My ears started ringing and I couldn't really hear much of what she said. All I got was "failed her temperment test", "not all males", "liability"......"they asked me and I said no".

I said no.

Again I almost threw up.

Instead I ripped off my name tag, grabbed my bag, said I couldn't be there right now and stumbled to my car.

I don't really remember the drive home.

I parked in the driveway and collapsed on the stearing wheel. Matt came to the passenger side and tried to get answers. I started choking and couldn't breath and left my car running as I stumbled into the house and collapsed on the stairs.

I lost it. I completely and utterly lost it.

I have never cried so deeply. Never.

It hurt to my very core.

It still does, because I said no.